Why Celebrity Meltdowns Are The New Greek Tragedy.

I love a good celebrity meltdown. From Katona to Lindsay, Sheen to Gibson I have watched them all with a strange kind of sympathy whilst lapping up every single Daily Mail Online 'article' about them with glee. There is something very cathartic about it. One of my favourites came courtesy of Mariah Carey just before her autobiographical film 'Glitter' was released in 2001. Mariah turned up at an MTV party unannounced, started giving a strip-tease to the fans outside and handed out ice lollies. Amazing. 

You can imagine my reaction this week then when little Justin Bieber had one of the meltdowns to end all meltdowns on our very own shores. I still find it hard to accept that I am the same age as Bieber. I still see him as a 14 year old singing 'Baby' in a bowling alley but this week Bieber has finally come of age in my eyes. It is the same old sorry story that for a child star to grow up they need to have a crash in their late teens. Bieber's has been spectacular. Arriving 2 and half hours late to a concert where the majority of his fans are under 16 was amazing. Bieber is so rock and roll, shame his audience don't have a clue what that is. I think the Biebs is struggling to come to terms with the fact that his main audience is getting younger before his eyes when all he wants to do is get shirtless and smash a guitar. Bless. 


Then there was the birthday, his friends were turned away from a club where Bieber was meant to be celebrating turning the ripe old age of 19. Unfortunately because they weren't on the guest list they weren't coming in (just like that Carolina Herrera perfume ad, you know the one). Obviously Bieber wasn't very happy about this and thought the best thing to do would be to get half naked, storm back to his hotel and then tweet angry things. Good work Justin. 
Finally we have the paparazzi incident. Apparently a pap told him to 'go back to America' when he was getting into a car, naturally Bieber in his meltdown state wanted to 'hit you dude', thankfully his bodyguards defused the situation by creating this hilarious image that will forever look like Bieber is being put into his car seat (maybe that's his thing?) 

I know it is bad to get this much joy out of a celebrity meltdown but this is my Soap Opera whilst I don't have a TV at University. When I can watch Justin Bieber go crazy why would I watch Kat deal with Alfie and Roxy's relationship. (I lied, there will always be a place in my heart for Eastenders). 
I justify my love for a meltdown by equating it with Greek Tragedy (bear with me). In the same way that people would watch Oedipus kill his father, marry his mother and gauge his own eyes out for a sense of catharsis I view these meltdowns as pointers that my own life isn't actually that bad.
It is true that I also just like googling the crazy pictures so to finish I will leave you with a picture of my favourite crazy celebrity Li-Lo. I just want her to be my best friend. 

Why Kim Wilde Should Rule The World

I think I will never tire of watching that video of Kim Wilde completely drunk, rolling around a train with a guitarist and singing her hits to a bemused and probably equally drunk Christmas party train home. It was upon watching this again that I realised. This is who should be singing our song this year at Eurovision. In fact she shouldn't just represent us there, she should be an ambassador for Britain across the world. What says 'Best Of British' more than Kim Wilde, slurring her way through her songs, in a pair of reindeer antlers and jumping around in a train carriage? That has Eurovision written all over it. It has G20 Summit written all over it, it has Olympic Opening Ceremony written all over
it (albeit a year late).
So here is my proposal: let's all club together, buy Kim Wilde and get her to sing at everything. It's a simple idea but I believe it would make the world a better place.
You know it's a good idea. Donate 50p to the Kim Wilde for British Ambassador Fund and you can make the world a better place. (We may need more money to get her drunk before every performance).

Thank you for your time.

Bonnie Tyler. I Need A Zero.

When I opened my laptop this morning and was greeted with the words "Bonnie Tyler to represent UK at Eurovision Song Contest" my heart jumped. For the first time I had high hopes as I clicked on the YouTube link. Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out for a Hero played on my mind, finally an 80s pop star who could deliver a big up-tempo song and beat Estonia and all the other Eastern block countries into submission. This is what Eurovision had been waiting for, I thought. A singer who sounds like they are one coughing fit away from a total eclipse of the heart. Someone with hair so big the wind machines will fail to move it. You can imagine my disappointment then when I started listening to the song. It's a ballad. And not only a ballad but the slowest one I have ever heard. Couple that with the video of Bonnie looking like she is desperate for the loo in a completely white lounge and then on the beach and it makes for a sorry state. 

Is there still time to add some synth drums? A few explosion sound effects. I did like that she was doing her bit for physical music sales and HMV by wearing a CD around her neck for half of the video though. 

Of course this morning's announcement prompted a Twitter storm. With Bonnie's hits providing puns galore such as "I Need A Zero" and 'Picking Bonnie Tyler for Eurovision was a mistake. Every now and then she falls apart". 

Surprisingly the video on You Tube has surprisingly good comments from all of the die hard Eurovision supporters from countries like Greece and the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (me neither). But we won't win. We're the United Kingdom. If we won there would be national outcry. We love losing at Eurovision, it gives us something to complain about, and lets face it we don't have the run up to the Olympics or the Jubilee to moan about so we need something.
All that said I still love you Bonnie, you and your massive hair. 

My Love Letter To: Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence, I am in love with you. Not only are you just 22 and have won your first Oscar but you are beautiful, the pride of Hollywood and most importantly, absolutely hilarious. When I was watching the Oscars red carpet on Sunday I knew I wanted to be your best friend when you responded with "I don't know this is the top and this is the bottom" when asked about the different pieces you were wearing. 

Don't worry about the fall, you styled it out. I think I love you even more for it, especially when you were asked in the press conference afterwards what went through your mind when you fell. "A word beginning with F" was your response. It may have been "fall" but you are far too bad ass for that to be your "F" word.

I think we could have a beautiful friendship J-Law, you and I, I can see it now. Knocking and running at Meryl Streep's house. Flour-bombing Kristen Stewart, Bop a Kardashian on the head with your Oscar day, is this sounding good to you? I can see us rolling around Beverly Hills, bottles of cider (because LaLa Land hasn't gone to your head) in hand, shouting at the movie stars. Making our own Hollywood walk of fame. Poking Anne Hathaway's nipples. It all sounds so perfect. 

I also appreciate the way you ran with Seth Macfarlane's boob song. I think the single handed power fist with "oh yeah" face was the perfect way to respond. So much so that I have spent far too long watching the hour long video of that very moment. Isn't the Internet magical? 

I love that you don't take any shit. If you think a question is silly then you say so. If you want to trip up the stairs, then you trip. If you want to wear a dress that looks like the middle is ripped, you wear it. 

Also, although your fall won "moment of the night" for me at the Oscars, your middle finger antics in the press room have to come a close second. If I was allowed to vote for the new Pope I would vote for you. I can see you up on the balcony in the Vatican City, smoking a cigarette, making jokes about how you fell over your robes on the way to the balcony. In fact I'd vote you for anything, Supreme Governer, President, McDonalds employee of the month, MP for Eastleigh. Anything.

So there we have it J-Law. My love letter to you and application for best friend. Please consider me. I love you ever so much and just think about it. J-Law and R-Ol. It has a certain ring to it. I think we are Hollywood's new power couple, or at least the new Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. 

Cressida Bonas- What You Need To Know.

Cressida, she's obviously bought the
wedding dress already.
Go on Harry, put a crown on it

To sighs of dismay and probably some screams by the Sloane Rangers last week, Prince Harry was seen with girl about town Cressida Bonas on a skiing trip on the slopes of Verbier.

Harry and Cressida (I know it sounds like a sitcom or a bad version of a Shakespeare play) met through Princess Eugenie, she has been part of Harry's circle for a while so knows the ropes. 

Bonas has all the credentials to become Harry's Princess. Her Mother is, wait for this one if you thought Cressida Bonas was funny: "Lady Mary-Gaye Georgiana Lorna Curzon" who was a bit of an it girl back in London's swinging 60s and her father is the blue-blooded Jeffrey Bonas. Ticking all the boxes so far Cress. 
Apparently Prince William had a bit of a thing for Bonas before K-Middy came on the scene, something I am sure will make for a brilliant best man's speech at a wedding one day. 

Here's Chelsey, also dressed in white.
I call this shade "desperation"

Anyway, as much as I would love another Royal Wedding I wouldn't rush out and buy a hat anytime soon. This isn't the first time Harry has been romantically linked since splitting with Chelsey Davy but you never know, Harry is partial to a bit of Vegas. Shot-gun wedding anyone? I just hope that we get a Princess Cress. 



As a side-note I would also like to point out that after spending about half an hour looking at photos of Cressida and Chelsey I conclude that they look the same. Is it just me? I think Hazza has a type. 

"And The Oscar Goes To Anne Hathaway's Nipples"

Unless you have been living in Outer Mongolia for the last few months you will know that last night was the Oscars. One of my favourite award show nights of the year. Who doesn't love seeing the pride of Hollywood in nice clothes stumbling about the place, trying not to make a fool of themselves in front of the world's media. Here are my awards for the last awards show of 2013.


BEST SUPPORTING MALE.


WINNER-BRADLEY COOPER FOR HIS PERFORMANCE IN "HOLD UP MY MOTHER"


This photo is quite possibly the second best one from the Oscars this year, (you will see my favourite shortly). Look at how adoringly Bradley's mum is looking at him. He is nearly twice her height and it does look a little like he has taken his daughter with him at first glance. Bradley could have taken any girl from Hollywood, or even the world to the Oscars, but he took his Mum. Brilliant stuff. Equally brilliant is Gloria's decision to team her gown with a Bjork swan dress style bolero and even better some silver trainers. Practical and shiny. Perfect.



BEST DRESSED WOMAN

WINNER-JESSICA CHASTAIN FOR HER PERFORMANCE IN "ZERO DARK FLIRTY"


Chastian did have some fierce competition tonight from Bradley Cooper's mum Gloria but she just about beat her to the top spot. I didn't think that Jessica would be my best dressed. I thought it would be Anne Hathaway or Jennifer Lawrence but she looked amazing in her custom made Giorgio Armani gown and Harry Winston diamonds. Not only does she have the same name and hair as Jessica Rabbit but last night she emulated her old Hollywood style and red lips. (I am a sucker for red lips). As Jessica Rabbit is the only cartoon character I think we are actually allowed to fancy and as Chastain pulled this look off so perfectly the award for best dressed woman has to go to her. (Sorry Gloria, there is always next year).

Special commendation though, has to go to Rachel from Friends in her red Valentino ballgown. Really beautiful. Who would think she started off serving coffee in New York?





















MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

WINNER- JENNIFER LAWRENCE IN: "TRIP ON YOUR LININGS PLAYBOOK"

It could have gone to Adele, singing Skyfall or Hathaway winning best supporting actress but no. J-Law, (my new favourite of the J hyphon clan, sorry J-Lo) stole the show. Not only did she look amazing in her Dior (what else?) haute couture ballgown but she provided some comedy too. Personally I think she wanted to beat her 'has the dress split or is it just the design?' moment from the Golden Globes. As mentioned earlier to the right is my favourite photo of the night and it is of Jennifer Lawrence stealing the show when she tripped up going up to collect her award. Jennifer, looking like Cinderella as she struggled up the stairs, however, styled it out and recieved a standing ovation from the audience. I want her to be my best friend. Hooray for Hollywood.

SURPRISE STAR(s) OF THE NIGHT

WINNER- ANNE HATHAWAY IN: LES NIPERABLES

If last year's winner of this award was Angelina Jolie's leg, this year it was Anne Hathaway's nipples. At one point last night on Twitter 'nipples' was trending. I am assuming this is because of Hathaway's nips bid for stardom but I may be wrong. They were probably envious of all her attention and wanted to make their stage debut at somewhere classy. Well congratulations to Anne's nipples. You have won a Rorie this year, next year an Oscar!





AWARD FOR PARTY CRASH OF THE NIGHT

WINNER- MICHELLE OBAMA FOR HER ROLE IN: "I'M STILL ALIVE PEOPLE"

As if the fringe wasn't enough MoBo last night continued her bid to get in every gossip magazine in the world by appearing at the Oscars. We were reminded cruelly, however, that we aren't allowed to think of her like any other celebrity as she appeared via video-link from the frigging WHITE HOUSE. It was as if MoBo wanted to stick two fingers up to all the starlets in the Dolby Theatre and say "you think your Beverly Hills pad is nice? Look at where I live".

So there we have it. The awards have been dished out and now it is time to head off to the parties. One year, I will make it to the Vanity Fair party where I will probably get very drunk, try and steal someone's Oscar and sing I Dreamed A Dream at Anne Hathaway whilst sobbing into a glass of champagne but until then my kitchen will have to do.

The Brits 2013 Tweet-party!

"I WANT THE BRITS BACK WHEN EVERYONE WAS PISSED.#BRITS2013"

"Muse there winning the award yet again for "most desperate to do a Bond theme" #Brits2013 #Brits"

"It's unlike Emelie Sande to turn up to something televised.#BRITs2013"

"Love that we get to hear Rita Ora's real voice in these adverts.#Brits2013"

#HumanVeet #Brits2013InATweet

Sorry, but what has happened to Sharon Osbourne's face?#Brits2013 #Brits



ON TIMBERLAKE:

"It's like the last ten years never happened. Is he still dating Britney?#BRITs2013"

"justin timbercokebreak" 


ON SWIFTY AND STYLES:

Gets me every time. Skimpy outfit under smock. #Swifty #Brits2013

"YES FOR THE CUT TO STYLES. #Brits2013 #Brits"



ON LANA:

I LOVE YOU LANA DEL REY. #Brits2013 #Brits

Still amazed by Del Rey's lips. #PumpedUpWithABicyclePump#Brits2013

THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE:

"Still disappointed Taylor Swift didn't sing We Are Never Getting Back Together in front of a giant picture of Harry Styles face. #Brits2013"