Why I Want To Be Kris Jenner/A Kardashian

In today's blog-post I am going to tell you why I want to be Kris Jenner, or in fact any part of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, (apart from Bruce, anyone who watches Keeping Up With The Kardashians will understand what I mean.)
I am just going to say it. Kris Jenner is the greatest woman on earth, (bar my Mother of course who, incidentally, reminds me a lot of Kris Jenner's good bits.) To be frank, why wouldn't you want to be Kris Jenner? She lives in a huge house that is completely black and white so it is great if you have dogs as they only see in monochrome. She drinks wine all day, in fact I am considering getting one of my arms chopped off and having a wine glass put there a la an even camper Captain Hook, in her honour. She has about 5 billion daughters that make her about 50 billion pounds a day so she can spend lots of money on huge cars that look like converted tanks painted black and massive weddings for her favourite children (and Rob....)
Kris provides the best moments in Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It seems like she is the butt of every single joke, even down to the time that her lips swelled up in BORA BORA! (you have to shout the place-name like you are a Kardashian on the show), and we all laughed because it looked like she had got dodgy botox done in the room over the off-licence I used to live opposite in South London.
Kris Jenner is basically the Kardashian sister that never was. She lives her life through her three famous daughters, craving attention, constantly holding a massive wine glass full of white wine, driving around in that huge black car and wearing earrings that Pat Butcher would be envious of. But who cares? She is fucking Kris Jenner she can do what she likes.

My Love Letter To: Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence, I am in love with you. Not only are you just 22 and have won your first Oscar but you are beautiful, the pride of Hollywood and most importantly, absolutely hilarious. When I was watching the Oscars red carpet on Sunday I knew I wanted to be your best friend when you responded with "I don't know this is the top and this is the bottom" when asked about the different pieces you were wearing. 

Don't worry about the fall, you styled it out. I think I love you even more for it, especially when you were asked in the press conference afterwards what went through your mind when you fell. "A word beginning with F" was your response. It may have been "fall" but you are far too bad ass for that to be your "F" word.

I think we could have a beautiful friendship J-Law, you and I, I can see it now. Knocking and running at Meryl Streep's house. Flour-bombing Kristen Stewart, Bop a Kardashian on the head with your Oscar day, is this sounding good to you? I can see us rolling around Beverly Hills, bottles of cider (because LaLa Land hasn't gone to your head) in hand, shouting at the movie stars. Making our own Hollywood walk of fame. Poking Anne Hathaway's nipples. It all sounds so perfect. 

I also appreciate the way you ran with Seth Macfarlane's boob song. I think the single handed power fist with "oh yeah" face was the perfect way to respond. So much so that I have spent far too long watching the hour long video of that very moment. Isn't the Internet magical? 

I love that you don't take any shit. If you think a question is silly then you say so. If you want to trip up the stairs, then you trip. If you want to wear a dress that looks like the middle is ripped, you wear it. 

Also, although your fall won "moment of the night" for me at the Oscars, your middle finger antics in the press room have to come a close second. If I was allowed to vote for the new Pope I would vote for you. I can see you up on the balcony in the Vatican City, smoking a cigarette, making jokes about how you fell over your robes on the way to the balcony. In fact I'd vote you for anything, Supreme Governer, President, McDonalds employee of the month, MP for Eastleigh. Anything.

So there we have it J-Law. My love letter to you and application for best friend. Please consider me. I love you ever so much and just think about it. J-Law and R-Ol. It has a certain ring to it. I think we are Hollywood's new power couple, or at least the new Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.