Bonnie Tyler. I Need A Zero.

When I opened my laptop this morning and was greeted with the words "Bonnie Tyler to represent UK at Eurovision Song Contest" my heart jumped. For the first time I had high hopes as I clicked on the YouTube link. Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out for a Hero played on my mind, finally an 80s pop star who could deliver a big up-tempo song and beat Estonia and all the other Eastern block countries into submission. This is what Eurovision had been waiting for, I thought. A singer who sounds like they are one coughing fit away from a total eclipse of the heart. Someone with hair so big the wind machines will fail to move it. You can imagine my disappointment then when I started listening to the song. It's a ballad. And not only a ballad but the slowest one I have ever heard. Couple that with the video of Bonnie looking like she is desperate for the loo in a completely white lounge and then on the beach and it makes for a sorry state. 

Is there still time to add some synth drums? A few explosion sound effects. I did like that she was doing her bit for physical music sales and HMV by wearing a CD around her neck for half of the video though. 

Of course this morning's announcement prompted a Twitter storm. With Bonnie's hits providing puns galore such as "I Need A Zero" and 'Picking Bonnie Tyler for Eurovision was a mistake. Every now and then she falls apart". 

Surprisingly the video on You Tube has surprisingly good comments from all of the die hard Eurovision supporters from countries like Greece and the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (me neither). But we won't win. We're the United Kingdom. If we won there would be national outcry. We love losing at Eurovision, it gives us something to complain about, and lets face it we don't have the run up to the Olympics or the Jubilee to moan about so we need something.
All that said I still love you Bonnie, you and your massive hair. 

'Their Light Up Bums Will Always Hold A Special Place In My Heart'-Eurovision 2012

I hope everyone was watching Eurovision last night. If not, do not worry. I hope this post will encapsulate all the 'highlights' of this year's contest live from Baku the 'city of fire' in Azerbaijan. (I'd never heard of it either). The organisers, however, did a brilliant job of selling a holiday to me. After a few of their 'postcards', aptly named as they are very Wish You Were Here-esque, I actually wanted to go to Baku. I was also assured by Graham Norton's insistence that these postcards were the truth and the whole city was in fact 'beautiful'. I'm not sure he was telling the truth, he may have feared disappearing after the Azerbaijani authorities hearing his comments but this isn't a blog post in which I am going to stray in to the human rights issues that engulfed Eurovision this year. It is about one thing only: the 'music' (bear with me, inverted commas are going to be used a lot in this post).
First up was good old Englebert Humperdinck with a name so European he was bound to have douze-points resounding around the specially built Crystal Hall. No? The Hump did get 12 points but unfortunately, or possibly fortunately due to certain funding issues, that was his total score. To give Englebert his due it was a lovely performance, especially with the catherine wheels in the background, I even think I saw one of the Russian Grannies swoon as he blew a kiss to the audience at the end. Englebert would have been the oldest contestant to ever partake in the contest, until the dastardly Russian Grannies came and stole away that gimmick. The Russian Grannies stealing the age card and the combined blow of being the first to sing, didn't leave us with much hope.
My personal douze-points of the night has to go to Gaitana of the Ukraine. As soon as the string section in her song began thundering out I knew it was going to be a Eurovision classic. Combined with the Euro dance beat coming in a few bars later, the ridiculously catchy chorus of Gaitana screaming 'YOOOOOOU CANNNNN BEEEEEEE MYYYYYY GUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEESSST', (she has obviously never seen Beauty And The Beast), and the fact she wore flowers in her hair, I thought she had a fighting chance of actually winning the whole sorry thing.
Another stand out of the night was Donny Montell, from Lithuania with 'Love Is Blind', who spent the first half of his song wearing a blindfold, spelling out the metaphor, just in case anybody was so stupid they couldn't understand him wailing at the camera 'LOOOVE IS BLIND'. It was a beautiful thing. Combined with his typically Eurovision dance moves, he did pretty well too.
Of course, this year, everbody was watching Greece who, in Eurovision terms, had a good song called Aphrodisiac. I spent the majority of their song marvelling at the beautiful rhyming of 'maniac' and 'aphrodisiac', worrying that they might actually win causing the Euro to collapse and also secretly hoping that they did win, just for the laughs. Fortunately for them they didn't win meaning the Euro lives another day (or not, by the time you are reading this, it could have all collapsed, thanks to Eurovision).
I must also mention my favourites who didn't make it to the final. Trakshittaz and 'Woki Mit Dem Po Po', meaning 'shake your ass', failed to qualify but their light up bums will always hold a special place in my heart. 'The Social Network Song (Oh Oh-Uh-Oh-Oh)' was San Marino's offering. Originally called 'The Facebook Song' but having to be changed due to Eurovision rules, it featured such genius lyrics as 'I click my mouse, come to my house'. It also didn't make it but deserves a nod for, although having to rename the song and remove the word 'Facebook', leaving every other word in there that rhymed with Facebook.
Now, however, we come to a rarity. A Eurovision song I have actually downloaded, because I liked it. Please don't hate me, I can assure you that I am not alone too as at 8.12 on tonight, Sunday the 27th of May, it is number 1 on the iTunes chart. The song is actually very good and for the first time not just in Eurovision standards. I am of course talking about the winner 'Loreen' (to rhyme with Soreen) I had many a laugh over that last night, and her song 'Euphoria', taking the contest back to it's spiritual home, the land of ABBA and IKEA, Sweden. I look forward to seeing Loreen (a cross between Claudia Winkleman and Kate Bush) in Sweden next year for more laughs and fortunately Sweden can afford to host it, can't they?