Eurovision 2013. "There was a lot of crotch rubbing and synchronised 'hurry up and get out of the toilet' jiggling"

The white wine haze of Saturday night has now dissipated, so too has the smoke spilling out from the wings in what seemed like every song, the orange glow left behind by the fake tanners has gone and only the annoyingly catchy songs remain in our heads. Eurovision 2013 was the normal gathering of  pop-princesses, has-been rock stars and reality show queens.
This year's contest was held in Malmo, Sweden (I'd never heard of it either). From the looks of the advertising and idents during the show the town seems to be overrun with a plague of butterflies. They said that this was all part of the theming and that they represented Europe being united as one but personally I don't believe them.

The show opened with a choir singing this year's Eurovision anthem written by Benny and Bjorn from Abba and Avicii from those dance songs that all sound the same. Benny and Bjorn seemed to write a nice melody which Avicii then added some electro stuff to and there you have it, a Eurovision anthem. As this was unfolding on stage a bridge was lowered from the ceiling. The Swedes seem to be very proud of this bridge. If it was ever to be hosted in the UK would we have the 'wobbly bridge'. I can just picture 27 countries trying to get across it. Whoever does, wins. The acts of the countries participating then processed across the bridge (unfortunately quite a stable one) with their flags. At this point I was having horrific flashbacks of the Olympic Opening Ceremony and being bored by the time the 'B' section started filing in. I quickly reached for my bottle of wine.

At this point we were introduced to our host for the evening Petra Mede. An amazing woman who managed to pull off a couple of stunning outfits throughout the week. In the first semi-final it was silver tin foil. The second, gold tin-foil and finally at the Grand Final we had this beautiful creation. Pink velour with matching high-heeled boots. Amazing.

Finally we moved on to the songs and the actual point of the evening about half an hour in to the show. You always get that feeling from Eurovision, that it is about 2 hours longer than it needs to be.

Here are a few of my highlights:

UKRAINE

Any country that includes a giant in their staging of their song wins in my book. The Ukraine actually hired a man who was well over 7ft to carry their contestant on stage, she was then placed on a rock (don't ask) in the middle of the stage meaning that good old Zlata was the same height as said giant. I'm not entirely sure why this was done, as it was Eurovision it was probably meant to signify peace and unity to all or something but all in all it just provided another opportunity to laugh.

ROMANIA

This will probably be one of the performances from this year's Eurovision that will stick in the minds of all for a long time to come. It was certainly one that will haunt my nightmares for weeks. Cezar is a male opera singer who has the range of a female opera singer. Team that with an outfit not too dissimilar from Dracula's, ballet dancers crawling under red fabric and a dubstep breakdown and you have the perfect Eurovision formula.

FINLAND

I'm not entirely sure what this song was trying to achieve. The singer Krista has been with her boyfriend for 7 years. I think that the lyric of 'WHERE IS MY PROPOSAL?' was probably the biggest hint he will ever get. Another stroke of lyrical genius by the writer of this song was getting someone who speaks English with a think Finnish accent to shout 'For you' over and over again, resulting in many giggles from my group watching Eurovision, believing she was shouting 'Fuck you'. Maybe that's why she got no votes? We did, however, vote for Finland, turns out we were, indeed, the only ones.

BELGIUM

Belgium wins the award for dance routine of the night. If you've ever wondered what two people, forced on to stage and made to dance whilst really needing a wee looked like, look no further than the Belgain performance. There was a lot of crotch rubbing and synchronised 'hurry up and get out of the toilet' jiggling. In fact, I sort of wish I had voted for them too now.

BELARUS

Belarus never fail to disappoint when it comes to Eurovision. This year's offering involved a scantily clad woman jumping out of a revolving disco ball in a neon blue flapper dress. I can't really remember the actual song. Just a lot of jumping. There she is Alyona from Belarus, showing us the best and, really, only way to exit a giant disco ball the next time we find ourselves in that position.


GERMANY

Germany won the award for 'shit is that [insert has-been pop star name here]' moment of the night. By rights that should have belonged to us with dear old Bonnie Tyler but, hey, they got Cascada to scream at us all and stumble around the stage in what looked like a drag outfit. Essentially this year Germany got one member of Cascada (yes there is more than one), to sing what sounded a lot like last year's winning song. Cheeky move Germany.

GREECE

For the past 3 years I have been desperate for Greece to win Eurovision. Not because they have really good music or anything like that, just because I think it would be hilarious for a country to go  bankrupt because they won the Eurovision Song Contest. This year's entry was insanely brilliant though. Men in kilts, drummers, fireworks and a lyric most people can really get behind. 'ALCOHOL IS FREE'. Amen to that Greece.

It is unfortunate that the best act of the night was one that we couldn't vote for. I'm sure if we could, however, Petra Mede, the host would have won hands down. 'Mamma Mia, Ikea has gone worldwide, good luck assembling all of those parts' the lyrics went. In one song Petra managed to eclipse the Swedish jokes any commentator could have made throughout the night. There were blondes with plaits, Vikings, the singer was dressed as Cruella De Vil if she worked at Ikea. IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Petra Mede is my new favourite person, I'm moving to Sweden.

So there we have it. Rorie's Eurovision party 2013. See you next year for more wind machine, velour outfits and listening to Graham Norton get progressively more drunk.

Just What I Always Wanted (A Billy Bookcase.)

So a rather unlikely setting prompted this music blog post. Ikea. Yes I know, probably not the epicentre of new music but certainly power house of old pop. I think Ikea have realised that their main audience of couples starting up new homes are looking for something cuddlier than quite literally an acid house so have concocted a clever playlist of 80s and 90s pop. It gives their shoppers a sense of security amongst the oddly titled, in our language, 'Billy' bookcases and 'Lakma' lamps. 
Lacking on this trip was any sound of ABBA but I don't know if I am just stereotyping. The one song that really stuck out for me on last Sunday's trip was this banger-'Just What I Always Wanted' by Mari Wilson. I have found myself singing it since Sunday and it is already climbing its way up my most listened to playlist. It's just a hilariously brilliant pop song, if a little repetitive. I must also mention Mari's incredible hair. Anyone who can rock that beehive is good in my book. So there you go, if you do one thing today, listen to this. It will brighten up your day and if not, make you feel like you are in Ikea, go get that hot dog and refill your drink far too many times. 

'Their Light Up Bums Will Always Hold A Special Place In My Heart'-Eurovision 2012

I hope everyone was watching Eurovision last night. If not, do not worry. I hope this post will encapsulate all the 'highlights' of this year's contest live from Baku the 'city of fire' in Azerbaijan. (I'd never heard of it either). The organisers, however, did a brilliant job of selling a holiday to me. After a few of their 'postcards', aptly named as they are very Wish You Were Here-esque, I actually wanted to go to Baku. I was also assured by Graham Norton's insistence that these postcards were the truth and the whole city was in fact 'beautiful'. I'm not sure he was telling the truth, he may have feared disappearing after the Azerbaijani authorities hearing his comments but this isn't a blog post in which I am going to stray in to the human rights issues that engulfed Eurovision this year. It is about one thing only: the 'music' (bear with me, inverted commas are going to be used a lot in this post).
First up was good old Englebert Humperdinck with a name so European he was bound to have douze-points resounding around the specially built Crystal Hall. No? The Hump did get 12 points but unfortunately, or possibly fortunately due to certain funding issues, that was his total score. To give Englebert his due it was a lovely performance, especially with the catherine wheels in the background, I even think I saw one of the Russian Grannies swoon as he blew a kiss to the audience at the end. Englebert would have been the oldest contestant to ever partake in the contest, until the dastardly Russian Grannies came and stole away that gimmick. The Russian Grannies stealing the age card and the combined blow of being the first to sing, didn't leave us with much hope.
My personal douze-points of the night has to go to Gaitana of the Ukraine. As soon as the string section in her song began thundering out I knew it was going to be a Eurovision classic. Combined with the Euro dance beat coming in a few bars later, the ridiculously catchy chorus of Gaitana screaming 'YOOOOOOU CANNNNN BEEEEEEE MYYYYYY GUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEESSST', (she has obviously never seen Beauty And The Beast), and the fact she wore flowers in her hair, I thought she had a fighting chance of actually winning the whole sorry thing.
Another stand out of the night was Donny Montell, from Lithuania with 'Love Is Blind', who spent the first half of his song wearing a blindfold, spelling out the metaphor, just in case anybody was so stupid they couldn't understand him wailing at the camera 'LOOOVE IS BLIND'. It was a beautiful thing. Combined with his typically Eurovision dance moves, he did pretty well too.
Of course, this year, everbody was watching Greece who, in Eurovision terms, had a good song called Aphrodisiac. I spent the majority of their song marvelling at the beautiful rhyming of 'maniac' and 'aphrodisiac', worrying that they might actually win causing the Euro to collapse and also secretly hoping that they did win, just for the laughs. Fortunately for them they didn't win meaning the Euro lives another day (or not, by the time you are reading this, it could have all collapsed, thanks to Eurovision).
I must also mention my favourites who didn't make it to the final. Trakshittaz and 'Woki Mit Dem Po Po', meaning 'shake your ass', failed to qualify but their light up bums will always hold a special place in my heart. 'The Social Network Song (Oh Oh-Uh-Oh-Oh)' was San Marino's offering. Originally called 'The Facebook Song' but having to be changed due to Eurovision rules, it featured such genius lyrics as 'I click my mouse, come to my house'. It also didn't make it but deserves a nod for, although having to rename the song and remove the word 'Facebook', leaving every other word in there that rhymed with Facebook.
Now, however, we come to a rarity. A Eurovision song I have actually downloaded, because I liked it. Please don't hate me, I can assure you that I am not alone too as at 8.12 on tonight, Sunday the 27th of May, it is number 1 on the iTunes chart. The song is actually very good and for the first time not just in Eurovision standards. I am of course talking about the winner 'Loreen' (to rhyme with Soreen) I had many a laugh over that last night, and her song 'Euphoria', taking the contest back to it's spiritual home, the land of ABBA and IKEA, Sweden. I look forward to seeing Loreen (a cross between Claudia Winkleman and Kate Bush) in Sweden next year for more laughs and fortunately Sweden can afford to host it, can't they?