Eurovision 2013. "There was a lot of crotch rubbing and synchronised 'hurry up and get out of the toilet' jiggling"

The white wine haze of Saturday night has now dissipated, so too has the smoke spilling out from the wings in what seemed like every song, the orange glow left behind by the fake tanners has gone and only the annoyingly catchy songs remain in our heads. Eurovision 2013 was the normal gathering of  pop-princesses, has-been rock stars and reality show queens.
This year's contest was held in Malmo, Sweden (I'd never heard of it either). From the looks of the advertising and idents during the show the town seems to be overrun with a plague of butterflies. They said that this was all part of the theming and that they represented Europe being united as one but personally I don't believe them.

The show opened with a choir singing this year's Eurovision anthem written by Benny and Bjorn from Abba and Avicii from those dance songs that all sound the same. Benny and Bjorn seemed to write a nice melody which Avicii then added some electro stuff to and there you have it, a Eurovision anthem. As this was unfolding on stage a bridge was lowered from the ceiling. The Swedes seem to be very proud of this bridge. If it was ever to be hosted in the UK would we have the 'wobbly bridge'. I can just picture 27 countries trying to get across it. Whoever does, wins. The acts of the countries participating then processed across the bridge (unfortunately quite a stable one) with their flags. At this point I was having horrific flashbacks of the Olympic Opening Ceremony and being bored by the time the 'B' section started filing in. I quickly reached for my bottle of wine.

At this point we were introduced to our host for the evening Petra Mede. An amazing woman who managed to pull off a couple of stunning outfits throughout the week. In the first semi-final it was silver tin foil. The second, gold tin-foil and finally at the Grand Final we had this beautiful creation. Pink velour with matching high-heeled boots. Amazing.

Finally we moved on to the songs and the actual point of the evening about half an hour in to the show. You always get that feeling from Eurovision, that it is about 2 hours longer than it needs to be.

Here are a few of my highlights:

UKRAINE

Any country that includes a giant in their staging of their song wins in my book. The Ukraine actually hired a man who was well over 7ft to carry their contestant on stage, she was then placed on a rock (don't ask) in the middle of the stage meaning that good old Zlata was the same height as said giant. I'm not entirely sure why this was done, as it was Eurovision it was probably meant to signify peace and unity to all or something but all in all it just provided another opportunity to laugh.

ROMANIA

This will probably be one of the performances from this year's Eurovision that will stick in the minds of all for a long time to come. It was certainly one that will haunt my nightmares for weeks. Cezar is a male opera singer who has the range of a female opera singer. Team that with an outfit not too dissimilar from Dracula's, ballet dancers crawling under red fabric and a dubstep breakdown and you have the perfect Eurovision formula.

FINLAND

I'm not entirely sure what this song was trying to achieve. The singer Krista has been with her boyfriend for 7 years. I think that the lyric of 'WHERE IS MY PROPOSAL?' was probably the biggest hint he will ever get. Another stroke of lyrical genius by the writer of this song was getting someone who speaks English with a think Finnish accent to shout 'For you' over and over again, resulting in many giggles from my group watching Eurovision, believing she was shouting 'Fuck you'. Maybe that's why she got no votes? We did, however, vote for Finland, turns out we were, indeed, the only ones.

BELGIUM

Belgium wins the award for dance routine of the night. If you've ever wondered what two people, forced on to stage and made to dance whilst really needing a wee looked like, look no further than the Belgain performance. There was a lot of crotch rubbing and synchronised 'hurry up and get out of the toilet' jiggling. In fact, I sort of wish I had voted for them too now.

BELARUS

Belarus never fail to disappoint when it comes to Eurovision. This year's offering involved a scantily clad woman jumping out of a revolving disco ball in a neon blue flapper dress. I can't really remember the actual song. Just a lot of jumping. There she is Alyona from Belarus, showing us the best and, really, only way to exit a giant disco ball the next time we find ourselves in that position.


GERMANY

Germany won the award for 'shit is that [insert has-been pop star name here]' moment of the night. By rights that should have belonged to us with dear old Bonnie Tyler but, hey, they got Cascada to scream at us all and stumble around the stage in what looked like a drag outfit. Essentially this year Germany got one member of Cascada (yes there is more than one), to sing what sounded a lot like last year's winning song. Cheeky move Germany.

GREECE

For the past 3 years I have been desperate for Greece to win Eurovision. Not because they have really good music or anything like that, just because I think it would be hilarious for a country to go  bankrupt because they won the Eurovision Song Contest. This year's entry was insanely brilliant though. Men in kilts, drummers, fireworks and a lyric most people can really get behind. 'ALCOHOL IS FREE'. Amen to that Greece.

It is unfortunate that the best act of the night was one that we couldn't vote for. I'm sure if we could, however, Petra Mede, the host would have won hands down. 'Mamma Mia, Ikea has gone worldwide, good luck assembling all of those parts' the lyrics went. In one song Petra managed to eclipse the Swedish jokes any commentator could have made throughout the night. There were blondes with plaits, Vikings, the singer was dressed as Cruella De Vil if she worked at Ikea. IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Petra Mede is my new favourite person, I'm moving to Sweden.

So there we have it. Rorie's Eurovision party 2013. See you next year for more wind machine, velour outfits and listening to Graham Norton get progressively more drunk.