Rorie's Big Fat Review Of The Year (In tweets)

Right, when I say year I actually mean 'The Olympics'. I started scrolling back through my tweets and realised that there were so many in the months of July and August that I might just stick to those two months. I think the following tweets show that I provided the service of 'Someone tweeting about sport who knows nothing about sport'. Here goes.

Opening Ceremony. 

My first tweet of the 30th Olympiad set up the standard for those to follow. 

"Just shouted "COOOOWS" at the TV. #OpeningCeremony#London2012"

I can't even remember cows in the Opening Ceremony but apparently at the time they were a big deal? did they parachute out of something, I really can't remember. The only other tweet I made during the Opening Ceremony worth mentioning was this: 

"Anyone else playing 'Olympic outfit borrowed from Easyjet' bingo?"

I think I was so busy playing Olympic outfit bingo that I forgot to tweet. Something that certainly didn't happen over the next two weeks. 

DAY 1

"If there was a gold medal for drinking wine during the opening ceremony, it would go to me. #London2012 #OwMyHead"

I quickly realised on the first day of competition that I was not going to be able to comment on the actual sport much and quickly coined the hashtag "Fashionlympics". 

"The USA's swimming team jackets make them look like penguins.#London2012 #BBC2012"

I must admit, I do think Alan Carr was choosing the music: 

"Now they are playing Madonna. Campest Olympics EVER#London2012"

DAY 3 (Day 2 was obviously boring)

To start day 3 was a tweet from 'Prince Charles' 

"Camilla's gone to Greenwich Park to watch #Equestrian. Have stuck 'Number 5' on her back for a laugh."

I also found the diving most enjoyable and, wanting to do my bit for the economy, got some free advertising in for the tireless work the eyebrow threaders do in Lakeside, keeping the South East free of uni-brows. 

"The Mexican divers need to get down Lakeside and get their eyebrows threaded. #Fashionlympics"

DAY 4

Day 4 began with another update on the incredible music being played. 

"She Bangs by Ricky Martin #nowplaying at #London2012 Archery.#Campolympics"

My feelings towards Ian Thorpe were also made clear on day 4:

"If Ian Thorpe says 'look' one more time though, I might bop him round the head with my goggles and armbands. #London2012 #Olympics"

Also on day 4, a limerick from Jessica Hynes: 

"There was an old man named Mitt, who said our Olympics were s***. He wanted attention for his upcoming election but ended up looking a twit."


DAY 5

This was the infamous day that will be etched in our minds forever, yes, the day that Boris Johnson, BoJo himself got stuck on a zip wire.

"Swing low, sweet Boris, whiff whaff is coming home!"

I think that is enough said about day 5.

DAY 6

By this stage full Olympic hysteria had taken me over.

"Giant pringle. BBC One. Now."

I think I was referring to the Velodrome. Not entirely sure though.

"Christina Aquierlararrara blasting out over the velodrome. Carrying on the #Campolympics. #TeamGB #London2012"

DAY 7

A stroke of genius from their headline writers.

"Headline of the morning goes to 'The I' "Anything you canoe I canoe better" #TeamGB #Gold #London2012"

"It gives me great pleasure when the #BBC camera hits the angle that gives Gary Lineker Olympic Stadium floodlight devil horns.#London2012"

"If #Phelps melted down all his medals he could bail out Greece.#London2012 #Euro"

"This Olympics is seriously lacking some Tessa Sanderson punditry."

"I've got Bert Le Closemania"

DAY 8 SUPER SATURDAY

"First sailing results in: Great Britain take gold, Australia take silver and Somalia take a middle aged couple from Weymouth.#London2012"

"If only we'd kept my old trampoline. I could have been on the red button now. #GardenTrampoliningChampion#SomersaultAndTripleHeadFlip"

"Just organised my 'entrance' for my birthday party. I can safely say it's going to knock that parachuting bitch's one out of the water."

"*Whispers* Could we really get 3 gold medals tonight? Really?#London2012 #TeamGB"

"He must have an onboard MOtor.#London2012 #PunLympics"

"I like to think that Greece is paying off all its debts in Vangelis royalties."

DAY 9

"Can't wait for the Rio Olympics now. Must get my carnival costume ready. *Ram-raids sequin shop*"

"I'm loving the leggings on arms look Sanya Richards-Ross is rocking. Totes bang on trend. #Fashionlympics #London2012"

"SOMEONE HAS A FACE-JAZZLE IN THE WOMEN'S 400M!!!!!!!#LONDON2012 #FASHIONLYMPICS #GYPSYCHIC"

"If there's a glass of white on a bar I can do the 100 metres in 9.64.#London2012 #Olympics"

"FACEJAZZLE WOMAN GETS A BRONZE JUST FOR HAVING A FACEJAZZLE!!!!! #London2012"

DAY 10

"IT'S GONE TO A JUMP OFF FOR GOLD IN GREENWICH. This is all a little bit X Factor deadlock. #London2012 #olympics"

"The thing that holds the chalk for the pole-vaulters looks like Dizzy from Bob The Builder. #London2012 #Olympics"

"I threw a wish in a well. *Waves ribbon* don't ask me I'll never tell *triple somersault* #London2012 #ClosingCeremony"

DAY 11

Still no actual sport content in my tweets:

"Look how glam Denise Lewis is now. LOOK AT THAT BEAD NECKLACE. #Fashionlympics"

"It's a 10 from Alesha, 8 from Bruno, seveeeeeeeeen from Len and a 4 from Craig (booo) #StrictlyComeDressage #Dressage#London2012"

"I really dislike this arrangement of the national anthem. They don't leave the bit where everyone drunkenly yells "Der ner NER NER"

"We'll give the Aussies that one. They only have 3 golds, bless them. Stick it in a jiffy bag and send it off #CashMyGold #London2012"

"I'm cheering on Muriel Ahoure in this because she's got a brilliant surname. #London2012 Muriel Aprostitute."

Doing my bit for international relations:

"Jesus, I thought Darth Vader was going to storm in at the start of Grenada's national anthem!! #London2012"

DAY 12

"Do you have to have a double barreled name to be a female sprinter and/or wear arm leggings? #London2012"

"horses dancing to music is my new favourite"

"#DressageSongs Hoofs upside your head."

"#DressageSongs "I set shire to the hay" by Adele."

"already excited about Sochi 2014."

"Today: The greatest show on earth is on BBC1. Mum's watching 'Flog It' on BBC2. #London2012"

DAY 13

"Do you think they'll get the Sugababes to perform at the closing ceremony? The old 3 and new 3 could do a Hackney urban sing off#London2012"

"If I don't get 3 hours of Spice Girls tomorrow I will be bitterly dissapointed. #ClosingCeremony."

"I really want to be a speedwalker. It's always been my dream.#London2012"

"This bit of the "Modern Pentathlon" is just laser quest. The IOC isn't kidding anyone. #London2012"

DAY 14

At the #Olympic marathon. Very disappointed that the runners haven't got in to the spirit of things. Not a lion costume or mankini in sight.

Closing Ceremony 

"Can you see my sequinned baps everyone? I'm on top of the umbrella mountain. @cassie_draycott #London2012"

"VICTORIA BECKHAM CAN STILL MOVE HER FACE!!!"

"Did Grandma put LSD in my tea? #London2012"

"Every time Emili Sande sings a song, Heather Small looks in a mirror to check that she still exists"

"Grandma just shouted "Ku Klux Clan" at the TV. I think she was referring to the Pet Shop Boy's outfits and not One Direction#London2012"

So there we go, London 2012 in a collection of my tweets. Unbelievably I did manage to live tweet the entire Olympics and not mention sport at all really so WELL DONE TO ME! I wish you all the best for 2013. I'm hoping for round 2, London 2012 version 20.13? 

The X Factor Week 5. "At this rate I'm going to kill myself, or worse turn over to Casualty."

This week was the first time I actually sat down and watched the X Factor all the way through this series. By the end of the evening I was questioning why I had done that and not gone out with friends in Brixton but never mind. That will be 3 hours of my life I will never get back. If you have been reading the newspapers, watched X Factor or just been in Britain for the past 3 months you will be aware that the X Factor this year is rubbish. The contestants are distinctly below average, except the incredible Ella Henderson, who has, I fear succumbed to the X Factor curse and is getting worse as the competition goes on.
Anyway as I was watching the X Factor I couldn't resist the temptation to live-tweet yet again. So here is my X Factor week 5 review, in tweets!

"I would put GOOD MONEY on them bringing back Gamu in Lucy's place"
It began with the SHOCK revelation that Lucy Spraggan will not be continuing with in the competition because she is 'ill' Shame.....

"The Hollywood, THE HOLLYWOOD OF BRITAIN?!"
Rylan kicked off this week's show and his song was previewed with a segment in which he attempted to describe Essex to Nicole Sherzthinger. He described it as "The Hollywood of Britain". Obviously deluded...

"Would have been better if he'd worn Madonna's pink leotard."
Rylan shouted 'This one's for you Spraggan' in the middle of his performance. I couldn't work out if that was for Lucy Spraggan or if Spraggan was the name of one of the Indian Chiefs he had obviously murdered to make his outfit.

"*riot flashbacks* THIS ISN'T JD SPORTS RYLAN YOU CAN'T JUST SMASH WINDOWS LIKE THAT"
I was in London for the riots and it looked exactly like Rylan's performance. In the middle he smashed through a window, probably an attempt to grab some JD Sports trainers, or a Gucci handbag. Essex is the Hollywood of Britain after all.

"#UnionJ. Topman-styling ahoy. I bet AT LEAST ONE will be wearing espadrilles EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOVEMBER, NOT JULY IN IBIZA."

"Okay, no espadrilles but 3 blazers with turned-up lapels. #NotChic"
Yes the stylists have completed the inevitable "let's make Union J look like One Direction" task. Not good.

"I don't want the theme to get on top of me" #Firework #BonfireNight"
Ella "didn't let the them get on top of her" by singing Katy Perry's Firework, TWO DAYS BEFORE BONFIRE NIGHT. I will let this go, however, as she is the only one in the competition that can sing.

"I can't work out where GMDC3PO starts and Triple United States Of J Ends?"
I seriously can't remember. I am actually going to have to Google the difference.

"At least they had toilet roll confetti. #XFactor #GMDC3PO"
This was, by far, the worst performance I have ever seen on X Factor, including Wagner and Rowetta off series 1. District 3 or GMDC3PO as I like to call them 'sang' Dynamite by Taio Cruz. The toilet roll confetti at the end was the only redeeming feature. Here is the performance if you fancy a laugh.

"At this rate I'm going to kill myself, or worse turn over to Casualty."
I think that tweet sums up my feelings halfway through the show. Thankfully something very exciting came next so I didn't have to do either.

"At least when Cowell sacks Sherzinger she can get a job at ASDA."
Jahmene's introduction section featured Nicole Sherzthinger stacking shelves with him in ASDA and an 'ordinary shopper' who was quite obviously an X Factor runner looking confused when she heard Nicole over the loudspeaker. TV GOLD I TELL YOU. Jahmene then went on to sing Beyonce's listen.  I wasn't keen, the judges loved it, I suppose Nicole doesn't have to worry about her comments anymore now that she has her 9-5 at ASDA.

"Why does he always wear a trench coat on stage?#HeWorksForMI5"
Finally it was Christopher Maloney who is still rubbish and is still wearing a trench coat indoors. Maybe the X Factor are loosing so much money they can't afford heating?

And that was it, thank God. There was my X Factor week 5 experience in tweet form. I hope to God next week will be better.

Club Tropicana And Cat Night

Living in London has been absolutely incredible. The only downside is not watching X Factor live and being able to tweet along. I miss tweeting about what shade of blue Louis Walsh's hair is that week or about whether Tulisa looks more like a chav or a duck. Anyway, since being here I have met Samantha Cameron in a shoe shop, fallen off my chair when I thought I saw Myleene Klass in a cowboy-themed Turkish shop, (it wasn't her) and got my Caribbean funk on in a place we have lovingly christened 'Club Tropicana'. Left is a picture of our new friend Jerome who we met there. He is a beautiful human being.

Next is cat night. The most amazing invention ever. People draw cat faces on their faces and dance all night to Beyonce, 90s rap and Whitney Houston. MY KIND OF NIGHT.
Thanks to my new friend Lauren, the majority of the university think I am called Roy after an encounter with a magician in Soho, I have got my own back by introducing her as Karen. Such fun.

The actual lectures are very interesting, but lets be honest, I spend more time thinking about when I am next going to get to draw a cat face on my face.

My Mum and little brother came to see me this weekend before driving me home and we spent Saturday watching the Harrods Christmas Parade, cycling in Hyde Park and shopping in Selfridges. So now I am back home in Sleaford, although I keep referring to London as 'home' much to my Mum's annoyance. I am a little unsettled at how quiet it is. Usually on one night living in East London I can expect to hear 50 Tubes, 400 buses, 30 sirens and 2 noises that I am pretty sure are people getting stabbed and I find that reassuring.

Stay East London royal fam.

The Lady's A Tramp

Good morning! I have decided to share another one of those videos where I sing at you for around 3 minutes. So here it is! I'm doing my best Frank Sinatra at a benefit concert in Sleaford, Lincolnshire.

My Love Letter To Lana Del Rey

Seriously, I love this woman and I think, if you got to know her (maybe not personally but musically) you would love her too. Lana Del Rey is an odd mix of intriguing beauty. Not in the new way beauty has come to be defined, tanned, blonde and plastic but in a mystical way that makes it seem like she is constantly being viewed through an Instagram filter. It's beauty in sepia. She is Audrey Hepburn with attitude, and I'm not talking about being able to hold her own with the men. Lana has had a strange series of life developments that have led her to become the musician she is today. 

Del Rey was born the daughter of a domain investor in Lake Placid, New York. Critics have used this to suggest that her music that seems critical of American excess (National Anthem) is hypocritical. Del Rey's story however goes much deeper than the often cliched American love story with Upstate New York. At the age of 14 Del Rey was sent to boarding school in Connecticut to deal with an alcohol dependence that by anybody's standards had begun very early. She moved back to New York when she turned 18, studying metaphysics at Fordham University. 

She has talked candidly in interviews that she used this time to experience New York fully. In a recent interview with GQ Del Rey professed her love for adventure in ways that most of us would consider simply downright insane. She would walk down dark alleys with the purpose of putting herself in danger,

 and accept rides on the back of motorbikes with people she met down there. 

For me her self styling as the 'Gangster Nancy Sinatra' is perfect. Her music harks back to the age of the Kennedy's in America, when Sinatra was king and Nancy the Queen of independent America, whilst still maintaining a modern view of the country she loves. The music is, to use the perpetually boring cliche, hauntingly beautiful, choosing odd chord combinations and a blurring between rap and singing that is surprisingly new and, quite frankly a breath of fresh air. 

In my opinion Del Rey will go down as a game changer in the music industry and possibly even in modern social history. She has given everybody the right to express their distaste with things that are often percieved as the best. And by the best I mean money. As Lana Del Rey herself puts it "Money is the anthem of success, so before we go out what's your address?"

We Found Love In Trafalgar Square

Hello all.

This week we saw the end of an incredible summer for Great Britain. Me and a few friends decided that we wanted to see the summer out in style so we went to Trafalgar Square to watch the Paralympic closing ceremony on a big screen. The atmosphere was absolutely incredible with Boris Johnson, our soon to be Prime Minister I am sure, getting the loudest cheer. Everyone was singing and dancing along as if they were in the stadium and we could even see the fireworks from the river. It really was an amazing evening.

I was very pleased to see Rihanna and Coldplay perform I song I absolutely love and have sung myself, We Found Love. My friend Nicolas and I perform a bit together and We Found Love is one of our set-pieces. Below is a video of Nicolas and I, with his brother Kit performing We Found Love at my last ever school concert. Watch out for my amazing cymbal bashing!

The September Issue-Design

Fresh from winning GQ's 'Cultural Icon' award at this year's Men Of The Year awards and being the man responsible for the stunning 2012 Olympic cauldron Thomas Heatherwick really is the designer of the moment. Boris Johnson has publicly shown his love for Heatherwick commissioning him to design the new Routemaster bus for London which by anyone's standards is a daunting task, taking an already loved and established piece of design and bringing it in to the 21st century. Heatherwick, however, has succeeded. Whether he is designing the new routemaster or the beautiful and yet truly simplistic curling bridge in Paddington his work and his draw is universal. Mayors love him, the public love his work as shown during the 2012 games and the adoration for his seed cauldron.

The new routemaster is evidence of Heatherwick putting people first. Many designers create beautiful and elegant works with no function or with limited use as the designer hasn't thought or doesn't care about it's use for humans. 

The routemaster has sweeping windows that wrap around the bus flooding the inside with light and improving the black spot of the old routemaster, those dingy stairs. Heatherwick has even used heritage fabrics which, although are covering and replacing the old bucket seats, hark back to the original and well loved London bus. 

Heatherwick's crowning glory, however, has to be the stunning Olympic cauldron, comprising of petals that merged when lit, it was a triumph of British design. Olympic fans have praised the design for breaking the unwritten IOC rule that bigger is better when Olympic cauldrons are concerned and instead going for beauty and subtlety when designing the cauldron that became the icon of the games. Some even attribute Heatherwick to the success of the games, stating that without his design the public wouldn't have taken to the 2012 brand at all after a string of design nightmares. But who can even remember the negative press when the 2012 logo was unveiled? After commissioning Heatherwick the London 2012 organising committee turned the games around and brought back important elements to the games that run through Heatherwick's work. Unity and humanity.  

The V&A are currently running an exhibition 'Heatherwick Studio: Designing The Extraordinary' where you can see his design processes and a scale model of the 2012 Olympic cauldron. The Exhibition runs until the 30th of September and tickets are available from the V&A website.