Rorie's Big Fat Review Of The Year (In tweets)

Right, when I say year I actually mean 'The Olympics'. I started scrolling back through my tweets and realised that there were so many in the months of July and August that I might just stick to those two months. I think the following tweets show that I provided the service of 'Someone tweeting about sport who knows nothing about sport'. Here goes.

Opening Ceremony. 

My first tweet of the 30th Olympiad set up the standard for those to follow. 

"Just shouted "COOOOWS" at the TV. #OpeningCeremony#London2012"

I can't even remember cows in the Opening Ceremony but apparently at the time they were a big deal? did they parachute out of something, I really can't remember. The only other tweet I made during the Opening Ceremony worth mentioning was this: 

"Anyone else playing 'Olympic outfit borrowed from Easyjet' bingo?"

I think I was so busy playing Olympic outfit bingo that I forgot to tweet. Something that certainly didn't happen over the next two weeks. 

DAY 1

"If there was a gold medal for drinking wine during the opening ceremony, it would go to me. #London2012 #OwMyHead"

I quickly realised on the first day of competition that I was not going to be able to comment on the actual sport much and quickly coined the hashtag "Fashionlympics". 

"The USA's swimming team jackets make them look like penguins.#London2012 #BBC2012"

I must admit, I do think Alan Carr was choosing the music: 

"Now they are playing Madonna. Campest Olympics EVER#London2012"

DAY 3 (Day 2 was obviously boring)

To start day 3 was a tweet from 'Prince Charles' 

"Camilla's gone to Greenwich Park to watch #Equestrian. Have stuck 'Number 5' on her back for a laugh."

I also found the diving most enjoyable and, wanting to do my bit for the economy, got some free advertising in for the tireless work the eyebrow threaders do in Lakeside, keeping the South East free of uni-brows. 

"The Mexican divers need to get down Lakeside and get their eyebrows threaded. #Fashionlympics"

DAY 4

Day 4 began with another update on the incredible music being played. 

"She Bangs by Ricky Martin #nowplaying at #London2012 Archery.#Campolympics"

My feelings towards Ian Thorpe were also made clear on day 4:

"If Ian Thorpe says 'look' one more time though, I might bop him round the head with my goggles and armbands. #London2012 #Olympics"

Also on day 4, a limerick from Jessica Hynes: 

"There was an old man named Mitt, who said our Olympics were s***. He wanted attention for his upcoming election but ended up looking a twit."


DAY 5

This was the infamous day that will be etched in our minds forever, yes, the day that Boris Johnson, BoJo himself got stuck on a zip wire.

"Swing low, sweet Boris, whiff whaff is coming home!"

I think that is enough said about day 5.

DAY 6

By this stage full Olympic hysteria had taken me over.

"Giant pringle. BBC One. Now."

I think I was referring to the Velodrome. Not entirely sure though.

"Christina Aquierlararrara blasting out over the velodrome. Carrying on the #Campolympics. #TeamGB #London2012"

DAY 7

A stroke of genius from their headline writers.

"Headline of the morning goes to 'The I' "Anything you canoe I canoe better" #TeamGB #Gold #London2012"

"It gives me great pleasure when the #BBC camera hits the angle that gives Gary Lineker Olympic Stadium floodlight devil horns.#London2012"

"If #Phelps melted down all his medals he could bail out Greece.#London2012 #Euro"

"This Olympics is seriously lacking some Tessa Sanderson punditry."

"I've got Bert Le Closemania"

DAY 8 SUPER SATURDAY

"First sailing results in: Great Britain take gold, Australia take silver and Somalia take a middle aged couple from Weymouth.#London2012"

"If only we'd kept my old trampoline. I could have been on the red button now. #GardenTrampoliningChampion#SomersaultAndTripleHeadFlip"

"Just organised my 'entrance' for my birthday party. I can safely say it's going to knock that parachuting bitch's one out of the water."

"*Whispers* Could we really get 3 gold medals tonight? Really?#London2012 #TeamGB"

"He must have an onboard MOtor.#London2012 #PunLympics"

"I like to think that Greece is paying off all its debts in Vangelis royalties."

DAY 9

"Can't wait for the Rio Olympics now. Must get my carnival costume ready. *Ram-raids sequin shop*"

"I'm loving the leggings on arms look Sanya Richards-Ross is rocking. Totes bang on trend. #Fashionlympics #London2012"

"SOMEONE HAS A FACE-JAZZLE IN THE WOMEN'S 400M!!!!!!!#LONDON2012 #FASHIONLYMPICS #GYPSYCHIC"

"If there's a glass of white on a bar I can do the 100 metres in 9.64.#London2012 #Olympics"

"FACEJAZZLE WOMAN GETS A BRONZE JUST FOR HAVING A FACEJAZZLE!!!!! #London2012"

DAY 10

"IT'S GONE TO A JUMP OFF FOR GOLD IN GREENWICH. This is all a little bit X Factor deadlock. #London2012 #olympics"

"The thing that holds the chalk for the pole-vaulters looks like Dizzy from Bob The Builder. #London2012 #Olympics"

"I threw a wish in a well. *Waves ribbon* don't ask me I'll never tell *triple somersault* #London2012 #ClosingCeremony"

DAY 11

Still no actual sport content in my tweets:

"Look how glam Denise Lewis is now. LOOK AT THAT BEAD NECKLACE. #Fashionlympics"

"It's a 10 from Alesha, 8 from Bruno, seveeeeeeeeen from Len and a 4 from Craig (booo) #StrictlyComeDressage #Dressage#London2012"

"I really dislike this arrangement of the national anthem. They don't leave the bit where everyone drunkenly yells "Der ner NER NER"

"We'll give the Aussies that one. They only have 3 golds, bless them. Stick it in a jiffy bag and send it off #CashMyGold #London2012"

"I'm cheering on Muriel Ahoure in this because she's got a brilliant surname. #London2012 Muriel Aprostitute."

Doing my bit for international relations:

"Jesus, I thought Darth Vader was going to storm in at the start of Grenada's national anthem!! #London2012"

DAY 12

"Do you have to have a double barreled name to be a female sprinter and/or wear arm leggings? #London2012"

"horses dancing to music is my new favourite"

"#DressageSongs Hoofs upside your head."

"#DressageSongs "I set shire to the hay" by Adele."

"already excited about Sochi 2014."

"Today: The greatest show on earth is on BBC1. Mum's watching 'Flog It' on BBC2. #London2012"

DAY 13

"Do you think they'll get the Sugababes to perform at the closing ceremony? The old 3 and new 3 could do a Hackney urban sing off#London2012"

"If I don't get 3 hours of Spice Girls tomorrow I will be bitterly dissapointed. #ClosingCeremony."

"I really want to be a speedwalker. It's always been my dream.#London2012"

"This bit of the "Modern Pentathlon" is just laser quest. The IOC isn't kidding anyone. #London2012"

DAY 14

At the #Olympic marathon. Very disappointed that the runners haven't got in to the spirit of things. Not a lion costume or mankini in sight.

Closing Ceremony 

"Can you see my sequinned baps everyone? I'm on top of the umbrella mountain. @cassie_draycott #London2012"

"VICTORIA BECKHAM CAN STILL MOVE HER FACE!!!"

"Did Grandma put LSD in my tea? #London2012"

"Every time Emili Sande sings a song, Heather Small looks in a mirror to check that she still exists"

"Grandma just shouted "Ku Klux Clan" at the TV. I think she was referring to the Pet Shop Boy's outfits and not One Direction#London2012"

So there we go, London 2012 in a collection of my tweets. Unbelievably I did manage to live tweet the entire Olympics and not mention sport at all really so WELL DONE TO ME! I wish you all the best for 2013. I'm hoping for round 2, London 2012 version 20.13? 

A Royal Address, From Prince Rorie.

If you read this blog (and I live in hope that there is at least one person out there does, even if it is in pity) then I am very sorry. This post is essentially an advance apology. As of today it is only 39 days until the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. 39 days that are going to be full of everything you would ever want to know about the royals and bits that you probably didn't. Yesterday I kicked off my Jubilee countdown on my hospital radio show with my friend Lucy. It was 2 hours of Royal fun where I got to gush about Wills and Kate to an essentially, and I hesitate to write this 'captive audience'. And you, dear reader, are the latest victims of my gushing. I cannot get enough of the Royals. I found myself, yesterday heading to Tesco to buy my first ever copy of 'Hello' magazine as it was a 'William And Kate: One Year On' special edition. I think 'obsessed' would be playing down the feeling in my house. I also cannot lie to you, the £2 I spent on that magazine was the greatest £2 I have ever spent. I have probably spent more time pondering over how Kate manages to still look hot in a ski-suit and if William's bald patch got any bigger we could harness enough solar power to solve global warming than I should have. Especially when A-Levels are looming. But I don't care. The phrase 'Once in a lifetime' gets banded around a lot, especially with the Olympics coming to London this year but in this case it is true. Most of us will probably never see another Diamond Jubilee. So amongst this next 39 days of tacky mugs, magazines, union jacks, crowns, tiaras and Queens bear in mind (if you are getting sick of it) that Queen Elizabeth II is only the second ever British Monarch to reach an incredible 60 years on the throne and if that isn't enough to guide you through the maze of red, white and blue, it is only 41 days until it is all over....

Olympic Opening Ceremony Idea No.32

Right, scrap Danny Boyle. Scrap the urban soundtrack influenced by the East-End of London. Do you know what? Even scrap the Queen, and coming from me they are serious words. After watching Britain's Got Talent on Saturday night our worries about beating the Chinese opening ceremony of four years ago simply melted away. Who needs 8000 perfectly synchronised drummers when you can have Mr Zip, or as he is known in our house and I am willing to bet in thousands of other homes up and down the country, the 'Where Ma Keys?' man. So to cut to the actual idea. 'Where ma keys?' man runs into the stadium in the first minute of the ceremony and lights a giant mobile phone shaped Olympic cauldron. Brilliant, this has already been the Olympic opening ceremony to end all ceremonies. But that isn't all, oh no. To put the cherry on top of the Olympic sized cake or possibly even the key on top of the mobile phone, cue 1000 dancers dressed as...yes, you guessed it keys and phones. Then Rick Astley emerges from the floor of the Olympic Stadium, gyrating on a giant revolving record as a mash-up of 'Never gonna give you up/ (you guessed it) where ma keys'. This continues for the final 3 hours of the ceremony. So there we have it. A winning formula. We get to Rick-Roll 2 billion people whilst showing them that Britain, really does have talent. (Before they turn over to The Voice).