All Hail The New Young British Artists

The Young British Artists were a group who took practically took over Britain in the mid to late 1990s. If the 1990s heralded 'cool' Britannia then maybe this strange period after the turn of the New Millennium is the age of 'commercial' Britannia.
In the 90s Britain became cool again, the economy was booming and the Brit-Pop movement in music and the YBA's brought the country to the forefront of the world stage. Everything they did was the epitome of 'cool'. Oasis vs Blur, Hirst and Emin, Goldsmiths Art College and Manchester vs London.
Now we are seeing once again Britain becoming great, culturally again across the world. The incredible Opening Ceremony of the 2012 Olympics last year seemed to capture where Britain is right now, rather than like so many ceremonies in this country, looking back and mourning what we were. Britons seem to be happy where we are today. No longer do we long for a time when the sun never set on our Empire. Britain is content with being small.
We may no longer appear to have limitless money, like in the late 90s but the new Young British Artists are pioneers for a new austere age. Names like Gabriella Boyd and Max Dovey may be the new Hirst and Emin but with one clear difference, the super-confident times of the 90s have gone to be replaced by a nervous 'teenies'.
We are taking our place again, even if the 'cool' Britannia notion from the 90s has long since gone. 'Commercial' Britannia now rules over us. One Direction, Adele, James Bond, The Royals. These massive British brands are dominating the world, taking over American popular culture and making Britain, once again a cultural epicentre. It is fair to say, however, that without the advent of social media this may not have happened. If it wasn't for Twitter and Youtube teens in America may not have heard of One Direction, or Ed Sheeran or Emeli Sande. I have it on good authority that amongst the youth in America it is cool to discover the next big thing from the UK before anyone else. They may still see us as a nation of tea drinking royalists but also a nation that is incredibly 'cool'. So maybe my branding of the UK today as 'Commercial Britannia' in the context of America may be a little off. One thing is for sure, it may be 'Commercial Britannia' to us but for people all around the world it is 'Cool Britannia' long to reign over us. All hail the new Young British Artists.

The Brits 2013

It seems pointless writing a blog on this year's Brit Awards when I didn't even watch the whole thing (my favourite bit was Taylor Swift's 'look at me with the small dress under the big dress bit, not predictable AT ALL) but i had to make this clear, it fell flat on its face this year. Here are my reasons:

1. Nobody likes Emeli Sande.

Admittedly that probably isn't true given that she won the awards for album of the year and British female but come on, admit it. You are sick of her.
Opening ceremony. "Oh that's cute, Sande singing Abide With Me, nice day out for her".
Closing Ceremony. "Really, again? Never mind I'm sure I'll live, her stylist won't though for that green crepe paper dress".
Sports Personality Of The Year, "Are we sure Sande hasn't got a contract with the IOC? Has she been sleeping with Jacques Rogge?"
Brit Awards. "Right, that's it I'm doing shots of toilet duck".
She has a habit of popping up everywhere which would be okay if her songs didn't make me want to drink bleach. Anyway. Attack on Sande over. I'm sure she is a very nice person really.

2. Adele

After last year's debacle over her acceptance speech I expected Adele to ride in on James Cordon's back, shout "Fuck the suits" and wander off again, but nothing. She didn't even go. yes, she is in L.A for the Oscars but let's not forget. It was THAT performance at the Brits that really made her the star she is today. That said, I still love her.

3. The award for 'Global Success'

They may as well have just named this the 'One Direction haven't won anything else and they deserve an award' award. Even if you don't like One Direction you have to admit they did deserve an award at the Brits on Wednesday night. They are the biggest band in the world right now and are currently number one in 54 countries. Any award they were given would have been deserved but it did feel like they had made it up for them. Like when Adele was the first person to win critic's choice.

4. Taylor Swift's Performance

After watching it back I actually quite liked the whole effect but for me there was one problem. She didn't sing 'We Are Never (ever ever ever ever ever) Getting Back Together' in front of a giant picture of Harry Styles' face. I think that's enough said about that. She also didn't get her sound-alike goat up on stage to sing with her. (If you don't know what I am on about, here you go). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpfQSqfpuac,

5. The snub of One Pound Fish Man.

THE END.

Rorie's Big Fat Review Of The Year (In tweets)

Right, when I say year I actually mean 'The Olympics'. I started scrolling back through my tweets and realised that there were so many in the months of July and August that I might just stick to those two months. I think the following tweets show that I provided the service of 'Someone tweeting about sport who knows nothing about sport'. Here goes.

Opening Ceremony. 

My first tweet of the 30th Olympiad set up the standard for those to follow. 

"Just shouted "COOOOWS" at the TV. #OpeningCeremony#London2012"

I can't even remember cows in the Opening Ceremony but apparently at the time they were a big deal? did they parachute out of something, I really can't remember. The only other tweet I made during the Opening Ceremony worth mentioning was this: 

"Anyone else playing 'Olympic outfit borrowed from Easyjet' bingo?"

I think I was so busy playing Olympic outfit bingo that I forgot to tweet. Something that certainly didn't happen over the next two weeks. 

DAY 1

"If there was a gold medal for drinking wine during the opening ceremony, it would go to me. #London2012 #OwMyHead"

I quickly realised on the first day of competition that I was not going to be able to comment on the actual sport much and quickly coined the hashtag "Fashionlympics". 

"The USA's swimming team jackets make them look like penguins.#London2012 #BBC2012"

I must admit, I do think Alan Carr was choosing the music: 

"Now they are playing Madonna. Campest Olympics EVER#London2012"

DAY 3 (Day 2 was obviously boring)

To start day 3 was a tweet from 'Prince Charles' 

"Camilla's gone to Greenwich Park to watch #Equestrian. Have stuck 'Number 5' on her back for a laugh."

I also found the diving most enjoyable and, wanting to do my bit for the economy, got some free advertising in for the tireless work the eyebrow threaders do in Lakeside, keeping the South East free of uni-brows. 

"The Mexican divers need to get down Lakeside and get their eyebrows threaded. #Fashionlympics"

DAY 4

Day 4 began with another update on the incredible music being played. 

"She Bangs by Ricky Martin #nowplaying at #London2012 Archery.#Campolympics"

My feelings towards Ian Thorpe were also made clear on day 4:

"If Ian Thorpe says 'look' one more time though, I might bop him round the head with my goggles and armbands. #London2012 #Olympics"

Also on day 4, a limerick from Jessica Hynes: 

"There was an old man named Mitt, who said our Olympics were s***. He wanted attention for his upcoming election but ended up looking a twit."


DAY 5

This was the infamous day that will be etched in our minds forever, yes, the day that Boris Johnson, BoJo himself got stuck on a zip wire.

"Swing low, sweet Boris, whiff whaff is coming home!"

I think that is enough said about day 5.

DAY 6

By this stage full Olympic hysteria had taken me over.

"Giant pringle. BBC One. Now."

I think I was referring to the Velodrome. Not entirely sure though.

"Christina Aquierlararrara blasting out over the velodrome. Carrying on the #Campolympics. #TeamGB #London2012"

DAY 7

A stroke of genius from their headline writers.

"Headline of the morning goes to 'The I' "Anything you canoe I canoe better" #TeamGB #Gold #London2012"

"It gives me great pleasure when the #BBC camera hits the angle that gives Gary Lineker Olympic Stadium floodlight devil horns.#London2012"

"If #Phelps melted down all his medals he could bail out Greece.#London2012 #Euro"

"This Olympics is seriously lacking some Tessa Sanderson punditry."

"I've got Bert Le Closemania"

DAY 8 SUPER SATURDAY

"First sailing results in: Great Britain take gold, Australia take silver and Somalia take a middle aged couple from Weymouth.#London2012"

"If only we'd kept my old trampoline. I could have been on the red button now. #GardenTrampoliningChampion#SomersaultAndTripleHeadFlip"

"Just organised my 'entrance' for my birthday party. I can safely say it's going to knock that parachuting bitch's one out of the water."

"*Whispers* Could we really get 3 gold medals tonight? Really?#London2012 #TeamGB"

"He must have an onboard MOtor.#London2012 #PunLympics"

"I like to think that Greece is paying off all its debts in Vangelis royalties."

DAY 9

"Can't wait for the Rio Olympics now. Must get my carnival costume ready. *Ram-raids sequin shop*"

"I'm loving the leggings on arms look Sanya Richards-Ross is rocking. Totes bang on trend. #Fashionlympics #London2012"

"SOMEONE HAS A FACE-JAZZLE IN THE WOMEN'S 400M!!!!!!!#LONDON2012 #FASHIONLYMPICS #GYPSYCHIC"

"If there's a glass of white on a bar I can do the 100 metres in 9.64.#London2012 #Olympics"

"FACEJAZZLE WOMAN GETS A BRONZE JUST FOR HAVING A FACEJAZZLE!!!!! #London2012"

DAY 10

"IT'S GONE TO A JUMP OFF FOR GOLD IN GREENWICH. This is all a little bit X Factor deadlock. #London2012 #olympics"

"The thing that holds the chalk for the pole-vaulters looks like Dizzy from Bob The Builder. #London2012 #Olympics"

"I threw a wish in a well. *Waves ribbon* don't ask me I'll never tell *triple somersault* #London2012 #ClosingCeremony"

DAY 11

Still no actual sport content in my tweets:

"Look how glam Denise Lewis is now. LOOK AT THAT BEAD NECKLACE. #Fashionlympics"

"It's a 10 from Alesha, 8 from Bruno, seveeeeeeeeen from Len and a 4 from Craig (booo) #StrictlyComeDressage #Dressage#London2012"

"I really dislike this arrangement of the national anthem. They don't leave the bit where everyone drunkenly yells "Der ner NER NER"

"We'll give the Aussies that one. They only have 3 golds, bless them. Stick it in a jiffy bag and send it off #CashMyGold #London2012"

"I'm cheering on Muriel Ahoure in this because she's got a brilliant surname. #London2012 Muriel Aprostitute."

Doing my bit for international relations:

"Jesus, I thought Darth Vader was going to storm in at the start of Grenada's national anthem!! #London2012"

DAY 12

"Do you have to have a double barreled name to be a female sprinter and/or wear arm leggings? #London2012"

"horses dancing to music is my new favourite"

"#DressageSongs Hoofs upside your head."

"#DressageSongs "I set shire to the hay" by Adele."

"already excited about Sochi 2014."

"Today: The greatest show on earth is on BBC1. Mum's watching 'Flog It' on BBC2. #London2012"

DAY 13

"Do you think they'll get the Sugababes to perform at the closing ceremony? The old 3 and new 3 could do a Hackney urban sing off#London2012"

"If I don't get 3 hours of Spice Girls tomorrow I will be bitterly dissapointed. #ClosingCeremony."

"I really want to be a speedwalker. It's always been my dream.#London2012"

"This bit of the "Modern Pentathlon" is just laser quest. The IOC isn't kidding anyone. #London2012"

DAY 14

At the #Olympic marathon. Very disappointed that the runners haven't got in to the spirit of things. Not a lion costume or mankini in sight.

Closing Ceremony 

"Can you see my sequinned baps everyone? I'm on top of the umbrella mountain. @cassie_draycott #London2012"

"VICTORIA BECKHAM CAN STILL MOVE HER FACE!!!"

"Did Grandma put LSD in my tea? #London2012"

"Every time Emili Sande sings a song, Heather Small looks in a mirror to check that she still exists"

"Grandma just shouted "Ku Klux Clan" at the TV. I think she was referring to the Pet Shop Boy's outfits and not One Direction#London2012"

So there we go, London 2012 in a collection of my tweets. Unbelievably I did manage to live tweet the entire Olympics and not mention sport at all really so WELL DONE TO ME! I wish you all the best for 2013. I'm hoping for round 2, London 2012 version 20.13? 

'I thought Bjork had died' The Brits 2012

The Brits are, quite possibly, my favourite night of the year (obviously after Eurovision and a good episode of Neighbours). By saying that you may think that I was actually there, I wasn't. Instead I watched the whole rumbustious event from my sofa, phone firmly in hand, tweeting my thoughts away which included '#Shabbatronic' and 'I thought Bjork had died'. I am sure you will agree, award winning tweets that night. For me this encapsulates The Brits. A night where the great and good of the music industry (and the not so good, sorry Olly Murs) gather under one roof to collectively clap each other on the back, 'sing' or 'mime' a bit and forget it all by Wednesday morning. This year however a national crisis has followed the Brits. A wave of hatred towards 'The Suits', James Corden and, if you are 'The Sun' anyone who was there on the night. Adele didn't get to finish her acceptance speech for best album, I know, I know, where are COBRA when you need them, we need to get the UN to stop trying to get China and Russia to agree over Syria and force a national day of mourning for Adele's speech, or at least this is what 'The Daily Mail' would like to happen. It is ridiculous. Yes, it was bad that Adele couldn't finish, yes they could have cut Blur a little earlier but the fact is they didn't. We can't change it. People have apologised, Adele has said there are no hard feelings, move on. I personally am dreading the first headline of 'The Sun On Sunday' which will probably read 'Ban ki Moon flies in for talks as Adele crisis worsens'. All this talk is such a shame. The Brits 2012 was a 'vintage' year. You had Rihanna dancing around in a potato sack and a pair of Timberland boots like only she can, you had Florence + The Machine 'Petticoat Thrashing' as Caitlin Moran put it on Twitter. There was so much to laugh about from the Brits. Adele called herself a drag queen for Gods sake! On a normal week at least one tabloid would have lead with that, claiming Adele had gender identity disorder, but alas a national crisis has erupted, we can't just laugh at TV anymore. We leave that for Children. Anyone over the age of 13 has to complain to Ofcom about it, move over tea drinkers, we have a new national past-time.