Happy Birthday Percy Pig (and the humbling of teenage boys)

If you haven't been in to a branch of Marks and Spencer in the past few weeks then I envy you. It is the annual pilgrimage that you have to make as a schoolchild and then, for me this year, as the brother of a schoolchild. It seems that Mother's, (probably quite rightly), insist on taking you there to kit you out for the new school year as their 'shirts wash better and trousers iron easier'. This was the first time I visited M&S in late August and wasn't being shoved in to itchy white shirts or horrible black trousers. It gave me a refreshing look at this end of summer pastime. Marks and Spencer in late August and early September is a humbling experience for teenage boys. Away from the safety of home they have to obey their Mothers whilst trying hard to impress the girl who is looking at the blue blouses on the next rail. They are then frogmarched to the changing rooms where various garments are tried on and paraded around in, in front of a sofa full of mothers who are probably debating how long it will be before they have to sew up a hole in them. For a 15 year old boy a pretty annoying experience. I overheard one boy say to his mother 'I can't wait to be a student so I can wear what I want.' My advice to him is: Your schooldays are the best days of your life, your parents pay for your clothes.

In other news, my visit to Marks and Spencer revealed to me that the nation's sweetheart, Percy Pig, is turning 21. Ridiculously overpriced but still the saviour of long journeys and work days, Percy is finally becoming a proper adult. Whilst waiting in the queue to pay for my bottle of Pink Grapefruit lemonade and bag of pigs I wondered about how Percy would spend his birthday? Would he go crazy and get completely off his face on MDMA? He is, after all, a national celebrity. As the M&S website states dear old P is 'A hit with the fashion world, musicians and sports stars'. So maybe good old Perc likes to live the rock and roll lifestyle and will eventually become Britain's answer to Lindsay Lohan? They do also, however, point out that Percy contains 'no artificial colours or flavourings', so maybe he checked himself in to a Vegan spa for a few days and drank pig feed, skinny smoothies? Whilst browsing the M&S website I scrolled through the whole Percy Pig section. (Yes, there is a whole 'Happy Birthday Percy', bit'). You can now buy almost anything with Percy's face on. Bags, tins, money boxes and even hampers. Poor Percy, plaster his face on stuff to sell before eating it, and I bet he gets no royalties from Marks and Sparks.

'My Best Friend Loves Herself, She's Just Being Miley'

Yet another Miley Cyrus post for you to read. At least this one has a message. 

I have read a lot about Miley Cyrus this week. My favourite article coming from, (unbelievably), the Daily Mail. They had had the genius idea of interviewing the inventor of the foam finger. I didn't even realise that one single person had 'invented' the thing I used to hit my brother with when I got back from 'Steps' concerts but, anyway, I am proven wrong on many occasions so I will just add this one to the list. As I have just stated, for me, the foam finger has never and will never be used for it's correct purpose. I always hit my little brother, or anyone who was in my vicinity, with mine. Someone I was with at Notting Hill Carnival last weekend bought one and then poked me in the face with it all evening. I therefore find it hilarious that the inventor, (still not over that thought), of the foam finger was so offended. Here is what Steve Chmelar had to say about Miley's turn at the VMAs:

'She took an honorable icon that is seen in sporting venues everywhere and degraded it. 

'Fortunately, the foam finger has been around long enough that it will survive this incident.' 

Well I, for one am pleased to hear that Steve is confident in the foam finger's enduring appeal but I think he should embrace it. Think how much money he could make by making some specifically 'sexy' foam fingers. You know, ones with rings and things on like the woman who had rings on her fingers and bells on her toes. I wonder, actually, if Steve Chmelar, (great surname), actually made any money from the foam finger? Did he patent it? Is this actually sour grapes from Steve that he isn't making any money from Miley's kinky finger? Listen up Steve, (here comes the message), start selling some foam fingers to sex shops. If the 'Twerking' craze is anything to go by, Miley's a trendsetter.  

POP EMERGENCY CODE RED GAGA'S BACK

So Lady Gaga has finally gave us something. A little morsel, right in the middle of Summer holiday season. Admittedly this is rather annoying when you are sat in a roller disco in the middle of Cork City, just to use their WiFi, desperately trying to hear Applause over the horrific Donna Summer remix that is blasting out of the speakers because you left your headphones at home. (Thank you Supernova in Cork, your free WiFi was much appreciated). Since getting back from holiday the 'POP EMERGENCY' has exploded in to a fully blown 'POP EMERGENCY, CODE RED'. Last Sunday Gaga premiered 8 new songs in a live show in front of fans and critics and thousands watching on TV. Risky, but this is Gaga, she is both risky and risque. So, on wards to the music:

As a first single from a new album goes, Applause ticked all the right boxes. For me it is essentially Gaga talking directly to her fans and critics in one song.

"I stand here waiting for you to bang the gong

To crash the critic saying, 'Is it right or is it wrong?'

If only fame had an I.V., baby could I bear

Being away from you, I found the vein, put it in here"

The first verse sets out the agenda for the song. Gaga has evidently been desperate to get back to performing and being in front of her friends but has been afraid at what the gap between her releases has done to her critical acclaim. She has every right to be afraid of the critics, just before she was forced to cancel her world tour due to a broken hip I read 5 or 6 particularly scathing articles addressing her weight and live performances. She could be forgiven, therefore for not premiering her new material in such an exposed way. In 'Applause' we also see an awareness on her behalf of her growing status as an art icon as well as being, possibly, THE icon within turn of the century music. Gaga talks about becoming a work of art and she addresses the growing feeling of pop as an art form.

"One second I'm a Koons, then suddenly the Koons is me 

Pop culture was an art, now art's a pop culture in me"

For me my favourite song from the 8 Gaga debuted at the Roundhouse last Sunday night was Aura. It reminded me a lot of Bad Romance, undoubtedly the best Gaga single to date. The song is almost anthemic with a brilliant 'sing along-able' chorus. What this song actually means is for a later debate I feel. Whether it is Gaga referring to her costumes and clothes as a cover-up in the same way a Burqa is used or something else I am not sure, but what I am sure about is that it is an incredible pop song and I am pleased to see that the 'rara' of the Bad Romance era has not been dropped by Gaga completely. 

Getting Gomez-merised.

Now, for some of you, my little brother included, I believe that if I said the word 'Gomez' to you you would instantly think of a football player. If you have read this blog at all or probably gathered anything from the first sentence of this post my first thought upon hearing the word 'Gomez' is to reply 'Selena'. 
Selena is one of the seemingly endless Disney Channel princesses of which Miley Cyrus is the High-Queen. Each one follows the same format. Begin on a Disney Channel Children's TV show titled something like 'Aww Chucks, My Brother's An Alien', then try and break free of the Disney mould, go out with a bad-boy popstar and then release a single that is ridiculously catchy. Now as someone who has spent the last year listening to Ernie.K.Doe and weird house music mixes of Sister Sledge, Gomez has dropped of the radar a bit for me, until I came home. My local radio station absolutely love her. Every time I get in the car they are blaring out her latest single, 'Come And Get It'. (There is the provocative, 'let's break the Disney mould', title I was looking for). The first time I heard it, about 3 weeks ago, I turned straight over. By the 12th time Lincs FM decided to play it whilst I was in the car it had grown ridiculously on me. As someone who appreciates when a song is brilliant within it's genre 'Come And Get It' is, in my opinion, one of the best pop songs released this year. It's got so many good bits. A ridiculously catchy chorus, a ballad-esque bridge that you can scream along to in your car, Indian sounding bits reminding you of the other 'I shouldn't love it but I do' pop song of the last decade, Jai-Ho and a brilliant sing along bit that we can all understand the 'eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh' bit of the chorus. 
I know I shouldn't love it, but I do. Selena, you may have gone out with Bieber but I can forgive you if every pop song you write is as good as this/provides a vowel sound chorus to sing along with. 

Why I Want To Be Kris Jenner/A Kardashian

In today's blog-post I am going to tell you why I want to be Kris Jenner, or in fact any part of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, (apart from Bruce, anyone who watches Keeping Up With The Kardashians will understand what I mean.)
I am just going to say it. Kris Jenner is the greatest woman on earth, (bar my Mother of course who, incidentally, reminds me a lot of Kris Jenner's good bits.) To be frank, why wouldn't you want to be Kris Jenner? She lives in a huge house that is completely black and white so it is great if you have dogs as they only see in monochrome. She drinks wine all day, in fact I am considering getting one of my arms chopped off and having a wine glass put there a la an even camper Captain Hook, in her honour. She has about 5 billion daughters that make her about 50 billion pounds a day so she can spend lots of money on huge cars that look like converted tanks painted black and massive weddings for her favourite children (and Rob....)
Kris provides the best moments in Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It seems like she is the butt of every single joke, even down to the time that her lips swelled up in BORA BORA! (you have to shout the place-name like you are a Kardashian on the show), and we all laughed because it looked like she had got dodgy botox done in the room over the off-licence I used to live opposite in South London.
Kris Jenner is basically the Kardashian sister that never was. She lives her life through her three famous daughters, craving attention, constantly holding a massive wine glass full of white wine, driving around in that huge black car and wearing earrings that Pat Butcher would be envious of. But who cares? She is fucking Kris Jenner she can do what she likes.

ROYAL BABY DAY: CALL IT LEGOLAND WINDSOR.

Can we please talk about how good today has been? We've had Kay Burley jumping around outside the Lindo Wing shouting about how AMAZING a rather squashed and melted cake is, that BBC reporter talking about how bored he was, and the Town Crier who I don't think was actually meant to be there. Oh yes, and a Royal baby.
Now the fun begins. What will it be called? I for one fall quite heavily on the side of 'Legoland Windsor-Cambridge' but I'm not sure they could do that because of copyright. For me the day has been beautifully summed up by Prince William himself by simply releasing a statement that says 'We could not be happier'. To conclude this Royal Baby Day I dedicate this song to our future King, Baby Cambridge:

Today At Wimbledon: Day 5-Day 11. Just Make Sue Barker Queen And Be Done.

There was a point last week when Sue Barker really was Queen. She was on both BBC 1 and BBC 2 simultaneously. Question of Sport was shown on BBC 2 whilst dear old Sue did her round up of the courts on BBC 1. I for one would fully support her being granted the top-job of Queen when Lizzy pops her clogs. Why not? Someone who can get away with an electric blue pocket square is royalty already in my eyes.
The past few days at Wimbledon haven't been quite as shocking as the first when we saw Federer and Nadal knocked out but we have still had a few surprises. Serena Williams was knocked out and we saw Laura Robson go the furthest any woman has at the All England Club for 13 years. Today is one of my favourite days of the Championships as I get to make the age-old annual 'WImbledon Men's Semi' joke. Such fun. Up today we have Djokovic taking on Del Potro and then the titan Murray versus Janowicz. Can Murray make it into the final for the second year running. Here's hoping. I'll see you later after a few glasses of Pimms and hopefully with a Brit in the final. At least it will give us an excuse to use up all the Jubilee/Olympic stuff we have left over.