Why Celebrity Meltdowns Are The New Greek Tragedy.

I love a good celebrity meltdown. From Katona to Lindsay, Sheen to Gibson I have watched them all with a strange kind of sympathy whilst lapping up every single Daily Mail Online 'article' about them with glee. There is something very cathartic about it. One of my favourites came courtesy of Mariah Carey just before her autobiographical film 'Glitter' was released in 2001. Mariah turned up at an MTV party unannounced, started giving a strip-tease to the fans outside and handed out ice lollies. Amazing. 

You can imagine my reaction this week then when little Justin Bieber had one of the meltdowns to end all meltdowns on our very own shores. I still find it hard to accept that I am the same age as Bieber. I still see him as a 14 year old singing 'Baby' in a bowling alley but this week Bieber has finally come of age in my eyes. It is the same old sorry story that for a child star to grow up they need to have a crash in their late teens. Bieber's has been spectacular. Arriving 2 and half hours late to a concert where the majority of his fans are under 16 was amazing. Bieber is so rock and roll, shame his audience don't have a clue what that is. I think the Biebs is struggling to come to terms with the fact that his main audience is getting younger before his eyes when all he wants to do is get shirtless and smash a guitar. Bless. 


Then there was the birthday, his friends were turned away from a club where Bieber was meant to be celebrating turning the ripe old age of 19. Unfortunately because they weren't on the guest list they weren't coming in (just like that Carolina Herrera perfume ad, you know the one). Obviously Bieber wasn't very happy about this and thought the best thing to do would be to get half naked, storm back to his hotel and then tweet angry things. Good work Justin. 
Finally we have the paparazzi incident. Apparently a pap told him to 'go back to America' when he was getting into a car, naturally Bieber in his meltdown state wanted to 'hit you dude', thankfully his bodyguards defused the situation by creating this hilarious image that will forever look like Bieber is being put into his car seat (maybe that's his thing?) 

I know it is bad to get this much joy out of a celebrity meltdown but this is my Soap Opera whilst I don't have a TV at University. When I can watch Justin Bieber go crazy why would I watch Kat deal with Alfie and Roxy's relationship. (I lied, there will always be a place in my heart for Eastenders). 
I justify my love for a meltdown by equating it with Greek Tragedy (bear with me). In the same way that people would watch Oedipus kill his father, marry his mother and gauge his own eyes out for a sense of catharsis I view these meltdowns as pointers that my own life isn't actually that bad.
It is true that I also just like googling the crazy pictures so to finish I will leave you with a picture of my favourite crazy celebrity Li-Lo. I just want her to be my best friend. 

Why Kim Wilde Should Rule The World

I think I will never tire of watching that video of Kim Wilde completely drunk, rolling around a train with a guitarist and singing her hits to a bemused and probably equally drunk Christmas party train home. It was upon watching this again that I realised. This is who should be singing our song this year at Eurovision. In fact she shouldn't just represent us there, she should be an ambassador for Britain across the world. What says 'Best Of British' more than Kim Wilde, slurring her way through her songs, in a pair of reindeer antlers and jumping around in a train carriage? That has Eurovision written all over it. It has G20 Summit written all over it, it has Olympic Opening Ceremony written all over
it (albeit a year late).
So here is my proposal: let's all club together, buy Kim Wilde and get her to sing at everything. It's a simple idea but I believe it would make the world a better place.
You know it's a good idea. Donate 50p to the Kim Wilde for British Ambassador Fund and you can make the world a better place. (We may need more money to get her drunk before every performance).

Thank you for your time.

Bonnie Tyler. I Need A Zero.

When I opened my laptop this morning and was greeted with the words "Bonnie Tyler to represent UK at Eurovision Song Contest" my heart jumped. For the first time I had high hopes as I clicked on the YouTube link. Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out for a Hero played on my mind, finally an 80s pop star who could deliver a big up-tempo song and beat Estonia and all the other Eastern block countries into submission. This is what Eurovision had been waiting for, I thought. A singer who sounds like they are one coughing fit away from a total eclipse of the heart. Someone with hair so big the wind machines will fail to move it. You can imagine my disappointment then when I started listening to the song. It's a ballad. And not only a ballad but the slowest one I have ever heard. Couple that with the video of Bonnie looking like she is desperate for the loo in a completely white lounge and then on the beach and it makes for a sorry state. 

Is there still time to add some synth drums? A few explosion sound effects. I did like that she was doing her bit for physical music sales and HMV by wearing a CD around her neck for half of the video though. 

Of course this morning's announcement prompted a Twitter storm. With Bonnie's hits providing puns galore such as "I Need A Zero" and 'Picking Bonnie Tyler for Eurovision was a mistake. Every now and then she falls apart". 

Surprisingly the video on You Tube has surprisingly good comments from all of the die hard Eurovision supporters from countries like Greece and the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (me neither). But we won't win. We're the United Kingdom. If we won there would be national outcry. We love losing at Eurovision, it gives us something to complain about, and lets face it we don't have the run up to the Olympics or the Jubilee to moan about so we need something.
All that said I still love you Bonnie, you and your massive hair.