The X Factor Week 5. "At this rate I'm going to kill myself, or worse turn over to Casualty."

This week was the first time I actually sat down and watched the X Factor all the way through this series. By the end of the evening I was questioning why I had done that and not gone out with friends in Brixton but never mind. That will be 3 hours of my life I will never get back. If you have been reading the newspapers, watched X Factor or just been in Britain for the past 3 months you will be aware that the X Factor this year is rubbish. The contestants are distinctly below average, except the incredible Ella Henderson, who has, I fear succumbed to the X Factor curse and is getting worse as the competition goes on.
Anyway as I was watching the X Factor I couldn't resist the temptation to live-tweet yet again. So here is my X Factor week 5 review, in tweets!

"I would put GOOD MONEY on them bringing back Gamu in Lucy's place"
It began with the SHOCK revelation that Lucy Spraggan will not be continuing with in the competition because she is 'ill' Shame.....

"The Hollywood, THE HOLLYWOOD OF BRITAIN?!"
Rylan kicked off this week's show and his song was previewed with a segment in which he attempted to describe Essex to Nicole Sherzthinger. He described it as "The Hollywood of Britain". Obviously deluded...

"Would have been better if he'd worn Madonna's pink leotard."
Rylan shouted 'This one's for you Spraggan' in the middle of his performance. I couldn't work out if that was for Lucy Spraggan or if Spraggan was the name of one of the Indian Chiefs he had obviously murdered to make his outfit.

"*riot flashbacks* THIS ISN'T JD SPORTS RYLAN YOU CAN'T JUST SMASH WINDOWS LIKE THAT"
I was in London for the riots and it looked exactly like Rylan's performance. In the middle he smashed through a window, probably an attempt to grab some JD Sports trainers, or a Gucci handbag. Essex is the Hollywood of Britain after all.

"#UnionJ. Topman-styling ahoy. I bet AT LEAST ONE will be wearing espadrilles EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOVEMBER, NOT JULY IN IBIZA."

"Okay, no espadrilles but 3 blazers with turned-up lapels. #NotChic"
Yes the stylists have completed the inevitable "let's make Union J look like One Direction" task. Not good.

"I don't want the theme to get on top of me" #Firework #BonfireNight"
Ella "didn't let the them get on top of her" by singing Katy Perry's Firework, TWO DAYS BEFORE BONFIRE NIGHT. I will let this go, however, as she is the only one in the competition that can sing.

"I can't work out where GMDC3PO starts and Triple United States Of J Ends?"
I seriously can't remember. I am actually going to have to Google the difference.

"At least they had toilet roll confetti. #XFactor #GMDC3PO"
This was, by far, the worst performance I have ever seen on X Factor, including Wagner and Rowetta off series 1. District 3 or GMDC3PO as I like to call them 'sang' Dynamite by Taio Cruz. The toilet roll confetti at the end was the only redeeming feature. Here is the performance if you fancy a laugh.

"At this rate I'm going to kill myself, or worse turn over to Casualty."
I think that tweet sums up my feelings halfway through the show. Thankfully something very exciting came next so I didn't have to do either.

"At least when Cowell sacks Sherzinger she can get a job at ASDA."
Jahmene's introduction section featured Nicole Sherzthinger stacking shelves with him in ASDA and an 'ordinary shopper' who was quite obviously an X Factor runner looking confused when she heard Nicole over the loudspeaker. TV GOLD I TELL YOU. Jahmene then went on to sing Beyonce's listen.  I wasn't keen, the judges loved it, I suppose Nicole doesn't have to worry about her comments anymore now that she has her 9-5 at ASDA.

"Why does he always wear a trench coat on stage?#HeWorksForMI5"
Finally it was Christopher Maloney who is still rubbish and is still wearing a trench coat indoors. Maybe the X Factor are loosing so much money they can't afford heating?

And that was it, thank God. There was my X Factor week 5 experience in tweet form. I hope to God next week will be better.

Club Tropicana And Cat Night

Living in London has been absolutely incredible. The only downside is not watching X Factor live and being able to tweet along. I miss tweeting about what shade of blue Louis Walsh's hair is that week or about whether Tulisa looks more like a chav or a duck. Anyway, since being here I have met Samantha Cameron in a shoe shop, fallen off my chair when I thought I saw Myleene Klass in a cowboy-themed Turkish shop, (it wasn't her) and got my Caribbean funk on in a place we have lovingly christened 'Club Tropicana'. Left is a picture of our new friend Jerome who we met there. He is a beautiful human being.

Next is cat night. The most amazing invention ever. People draw cat faces on their faces and dance all night to Beyonce, 90s rap and Whitney Houston. MY KIND OF NIGHT.
Thanks to my new friend Lauren, the majority of the university think I am called Roy after an encounter with a magician in Soho, I have got my own back by introducing her as Karen. Such fun.

The actual lectures are very interesting, but lets be honest, I spend more time thinking about when I am next going to get to draw a cat face on my face.

My Mum and little brother came to see me this weekend before driving me home and we spent Saturday watching the Harrods Christmas Parade, cycling in Hyde Park and shopping in Selfridges. So now I am back home in Sleaford, although I keep referring to London as 'home' much to my Mum's annoyance. I am a little unsettled at how quiet it is. Usually on one night living in East London I can expect to hear 50 Tubes, 400 buses, 30 sirens and 2 noises that I am pretty sure are people getting stabbed and I find that reassuring.

Stay East London royal fam.